Dear LittleStar,

Please forgive the lateness of my reply.

Yours truly,
Ringo Starr


Clowns to the Left of Me

All's not quiet on the Western front. Sure, we're dug in and we're dug in good, but Jerry's still leaving his blood-stained calling card every time we turn our backs. It's ugly, real ugly, and we don't have a lot of ammo left.

But we've got moxie.

Only it's like this: the whole thing is a numbers game and the numbers are against us. There's only so much moxie can do for a man before the cold, hard facts start to win out, see?

It's spilled milk already, even though it hasn't happened yet. There's no use crying now, or even crying later. A man's just got to keep shooting until they tell him he can go home again. That's all there is to it.

God save us all, or this schoolhouse will sink.


Jokers to the Right

URGENT COMMUNIQUE STOP
NEW INTELLIGENCE FROM JAPAN STOP
STOP ALL PROPAGANDA PRODUCTION STAT STOP
MISSION OBJECTIVES CHANGED STOP
WILL ADVISE ASAP STOP

To: StoryZoo Commander-in-Chief
Re: Urgent Communique
Cc: Stereo Cavalcade Directors of Operations

General,

Our supply lines have been cut. As of 0630 hours we have lost control of the highland at Hill H, and have been forced to fall back to the fields at Camp A. We have taken many casualties.

Scouts report movement from Tokyo. They may be regaming for control of Valley V as early as tomorrow. Prelimary reports suggest the presence of big guns.

I regret to inform you that our first line of defense against such an assault would be T Company, which, as you know, has among them the smallest penises in all the Allied forces.

As a contingency plan, I have requisitioned a standard issue unit of little white flags.

Yours in loving combat,
Irving Washington


Current Events of the World This Week

Yes friends, it's time again for Lux Presents Current Events of the World This Week! Brought to you by the Lever Brothers Company, proud makers of Lux Toilet Soap. Nothing keeps a pretty gel dainty like Lux flakes!

Our proud fighting cheeseburgers overseas were assaulted on dual fronts this week, but as usual their fighting spirit can't be broken. Times are tough but we know you're sending them your love and prayers, and it's working -- yes, it's making them stronger than ever. And, thanks to the magic of Lux flakes, their complexions are smooth, and milky.

Sure, they're not getting a lot of poontang. But they don't mind -- not one bit! They understand that the gels on the home-front are working hard too, doing their part to help fight those Godless nip bastards. And how do they stay fresh? Why, with Lux of course!

Victory is just around the corner, friends. Lickety-split and we'll give Jerry his due and see affairs put to order in Tokyo. Our fighting boys will come home heroes or come home dead -- that's the cheeseburger way. Yes, and that's the Current Events of the World This Week!

Eat Snacky Smores.


Top Secret

NB: Portions of this text may have been deleted to more perfectly conform with all prevailing NDA protocols. Edited sections have been marked with the asterisk (*) symbol.

It is the finding of this inquiry that * and * are blithering stupid motherfuckers who coulden't * ** their way out of a * without poking their own eyes out first and replacing them with * covered in sand-paper. Tactical debrief reveals a profound * in the place of * information and * * * ** *, and a total void of any cogent *. Furthermore, * **** * * or * **, despite being advised to the contrary by experts.

Recommendations: * ** * murderous rampage * ** * quit without notice * ** *, or possibly a terse note.

* * * ***** * * ** ***** * by using his ass for a * ***** * * *** * and thereby achieving escape velocity. This, in turn, would * **** requiring a re-configuring of the flow of ** *** * * and therefore to * ************ * with appropriate prejudice. Also, some fucking forethought.

On the other hand, * * and subsequent **** *** budgetary concerns, following ** example *. In conclusion: damned if you do, damned if you don't.


Final Transmission

The eagle has landed; I repeat: the eagle has landed. I'm stepping out now...this is...one small step for a cheeseburger...one -- giant leap, for you ungrateful fucks.

My God, it's full of stars!