Notes:
This is the second script commissioned by the CBC for the proposed animated series The Bureaucrat (animated clips of the proto-pilot can be seen here). The version below contains much more material than would ever make it into an actual episode: in subsequent revisions it was sliced and trimmed by Steve Smith in a vain effort to squeeze the chaos into three clean 7 minute acts. Seeing as we never ended up with a finished episode, I thought there would be nothing to lose by posting the whole un-edited song and dance. You may want to refer to the Character Bible document, to help you figure out who is who. Any irregularities in terms of caPITAlisation and other formatting curiosities I blame entirely on Microsoft Word's HTML export function, which fairly sucks.
5 February 2000
The Bureaucrat: Douze and Don'ts
Hemming/Smith
TEASER
ministry exterior, establish location.
ministry interior: Cratley, Candice, Sarabjit, Sticky Feather, Kostas and the rest of the ministry staff sit on blue mats, focused on lieutenant twelve-douze.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
The mistake most frequently made by civilians attempting to defend themselves, is hesitation. They begin their response when the attack has already proceeded too far. Thus, the cornerstone of effective self-defence, is pre-emptive self-defence. I need a volunteer!
a ministry STAFFER raises his hand to volunteer. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze breaks his arm. the STAFFER collapses with a cry of ALARM AND PAIN.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Note how the attacker didn't even get a chance to begin attacking me. That's the essence of pre-emptive self-defence! May I have another volunteer, please? pause: no one volunteers.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
[ WITH CONTEMPT: ] Babies!
ACT I
SCENE 1a
ministry exterior: Cratley sits on a bench and smokes a cigarette. enter Sarabjit, with a hot cup of coffee.
Sarabjit
Oh good morning to you, Cratley my friend.
Cratley grunts in response.
Sarabjit
Are you smoking a cigarette?
Cratley
No.
Sarabjit
But did you not quit this filthy habit?
Cratley
No.
Sarabjit
I am pretty sure you did quit, my friend.
Cratley
No.
Sarabjit
With all due respect, only yesterday were you not complaining to me about how irritable you were becoming? Did you not say that annoyances were growing in your mind to monstrous proportions, causing you to be infuriated at all times of the day? Do you not recall these complaints, my smoking friend?
scene 1b
Cratley is helping Sarabjit to sit down on the bench, as Sarabjit tends to his bloody nose.
Cratley
I'm sorry I hit you, Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
I forgive you. Obviously, you have been paying close attention to the self-defence seminars of Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Cratley
You're bleeding on the mail.
Sarabjit
Do not worry about that. If my theory is correct, by the time that one week has passed, all of the stains will have disappeared.
Cratley
What kind of nutty theory is that?
Sarabjit
Well, I am perennially forgetful about watering my ferns. And yet, they do not die.
Cratley
Oh. Of course. It's all so clear now.
Sarabjit
I was certain you would catch on instantly!
Cratley
I don't get it.
Sarabjit
Despite my neglect the ferns do not die, because a magical, restorative force sweeps through my life on an approximately weekly basis, and puts things back exactly the way they were.
Cratley
Magical, restorative force?
Sarabjit
Yes indeed.
Cratley
Uh huh.
Sarabjit
You understand now.
Cratley
Sarabjit, exactly how much crack do you smoke in a day?
they are interrupted by Five Dollars, as he shuffles by, rattling his tin cup.
Five Dollars
Five dollars! Five dol-lars!
Cratley
I'm sorry sir I don't have anything for you today.
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Cratley
[ SHAKING HEAD: ] No change today.
Five Dollars
[ TO SARABJIT: ] Five dollars?
Sarabjit
I'm afraid not.
Five Dollars
[ TO CRATLEY: ] Five dollars?
Cratley
No.
Sarabjit
Do you want me to call Lieutenant Twelve-Douze over?
Cratley
I don't think we need him.
Five Dollars
Five dollars or a hork on your shoe.
Cratley
What?
a horrible noise issues from Five Dollars' throat as he prepares his nauseous payload.
Cratley
Tabernac!
Sarabjit
Lieutenant! We are needing assistance!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze appears instantly. HE confronts Five Dollars with his baton.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
In your dreams, perp!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze deals Five Dollars a decisive blow to the noggin. Five Dollars crumples, unconscious.
Sarabjit
Oh dear.
Cratley nudges Five Dollars with his foot.
Cratley
I think you hit him rather hard that time, Lieutenant.
an ambulance screeches to a halt; two PARAmedics pop out, efficiently load up Five Dollars, and get back in. the ambulance screeches off. pause. Cratley's cigarette falls out of his mouth. the ambulance returns, drops off a healthier Five Dollars, and zooms away.
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Cratley
Tabernac!
scene 1c
in a building right across the street, Jasmine Thorn is supposed to be videotaping her daughter's ballet recital. instead, she has videotaped the assault against Five Dollars.
Jasmine
Oh my god! I mean, oh my god! Such brutality, such violent ugliness!
the wee ballerinas begin to cry.
Jasmine
No, no girls, not you. Your dancing was lovely! I was referring to the vicious beating of a streetman outside.
girls
Ohhhh!
the girls smile and resume their ballet. Jasmine thoughtfully re-watches the videotaped assault
Scene 2
Thorn household: it's suppertime, and the Thorn family has gathered for some grub.
Jasmine
I mean, I just couldn't believe it! That RCEMP bully just knocked him right out, just like that. With a big black stick. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't want to be knocked out by a big black stick. I have rights, and so do street people. But that poor man probably has no one to help him stand up for his rights.
mr Thorn
Would you pass the potatoes please, honey?
Jasmine
Exactly, darling that's exactly what I said to myself. I said: Jasmine Thorn, somebody's got to do something about this, and that somebody's going to be you.
mr Thorn
The potatoes ?
Jasmine
How can you think about potatoes at a time like this? Are you even listening to me? Kids? You're behind me on this, aren't you? Girls?
the Thorn daughters are daydreaming of being fawned over by a turgid hunk o'handsome. mr Thorn's daydream is not different in any significant way.
Jasmine
Well then! I'll do it without your support. I'm not going to stand by while an innocent vagrant is beaten in broad daylight!
Scene 3
ministry exterior: Five Dollars sitS in his usual cardboard nest by the front doors. Kostas approaches.
Five Dollars
Five dollars! Five dol-lars!
Kostas
Here, take it! Just don't ruin my shoes again!
Kostas throws a five dollar bill and scurries inside the ministry.
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
enter Jasmine Thorn.
Jasmine
Hi there. You don't --
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Jasmine
You don't know me -- my name's Jasmine, Jasmine Thorn.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Jasmine
I saw what happened to you yesterday.
Five Dollars
Five dol-lars!
Jasmine
I'm going to help you get justice.
Five Dollars
Five dollars?
Jasmine
Jus-tice.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Jasmine
I'm marching in there right now to set things right for you.
Five Dollars blocks her way.
Five Dollars
Five dollars or I hork on your shoe.
shocked, Jasmine slaps Five Dollars.
Jasmine
Ohmigod, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Look, I'll get you some justice. Justice for you. That's got to be worth at least five dollars, right?
Jasmine scoots inside the ministry. Five Dollars rubs his face thoughtfully.
Five Dollars
She's got spunk. But she's not my type.
Scene 4
ministry interior: Sarabjit is loitering by reception, chewing the fat with Kostas.
Kostas
And so he said, why not go with silicone? But I'm not sure if I want doctors playing with my lips. What if it leaves a scar?
Sarabjit
Well, not if you get the entire process over with in a week it won't.
Kostas
I don't follow you.
Sarabjit
Nobody does.
Kostas
Have you considered looking for a synergy blockage in your aura?
Sarabjit
You mean this could explain the communications breakdown whereby people are not always having a full understanding of what I am attempting to be telling them when I am explaining to them my inquiries into the nature of this universe?
Kostas
That, or the fact that you babble incoherently, yes.
enter Jasmine Thorn, pre-emptively irate.
Kostas
Hi there, welcome to the Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs!
Jasmine
Hello, I'd like to speak --
Kostas
Bonjour, et bienvenue a la Ministre de n'importe quoi!
Jasmine
Uh, bonjour. I'd like to speak to someone about --
Kostas
I'm sorry, but the end of the line is over there. To have your inquiry serviced, please begin your wait at the back of the line. Thankyou-merci.
Jasmine
But I --
Kostas
Thankyou-merci.
Kostas points down into the ministry atrium, where many, many people wait in snaky, unmoving lines. Jasmine spots Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Jasmine
That's him! That's the scumball I saw beating that homeless man! I have it on videotape! That's the man!
down in the atrium, Lieutenant Twelve-Douze looks up at the source of the noise. the people in the crowd around him look at him with hostility.
Kostas
Shhh! Sh! Let's not go off half-cocked, ma'am. I'll see if I can find someone for you to talk with.
Scene 5a
office of Candice hwang: Candice sits at her desk, opposite Jasmine. Sticky Feather is COLLATING documents.
Candice
And so I'm sure you can see how this will benefit both our internal teambuilding strategies here at the ministry, and the general public by not burdening the legal infrastructure overmuch. I'm sure you'll agree that our legal infrastructure is overburdened as it is [ SEEKING AGREEMENT ]
Jasmine
Oh, well yes. I mean, that's what the television says.
Candice
[ GRINNING: ] So you agree to hand over the evidence to our internal investigation?
Jasmine
Alright, Ms. Hwang as long as you can assure me that your people will get right on top of it. I want this dealt with on a timely basis.
Candice
Oh yes! Timely is my favourite kind of basis.
Jasmine
Can I have your personal word of honour on that, Ms. Hwang?
Candice
Well I hesitate to speak officially before the situation is fully resolved [ POINTING TO STICKY FEATHER ] You can have her word of honour, though.
Jasmine looks expectantly at Sticky Feather.
Sticky Feather
Whatever.
Jasmine
That's good enough for me.
Candice
Excellent. [ TAKES THE TAPE. ] Now, I'll just give this to our chief internal investigator [ PICKS UP TELEPHONE ] Kostas, would you send in Lieutenant Twelve-Douze, please?
enter Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Candice
[ INTO TELEPHONE ] Thank you. [ HANGS UP. ] Ah, Lieutenant Twelve-Douze, you have excellent punctuality.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
My mother always discouraged slouching, ma'am.
Jasmine
[ SHOCKED: ] What! Ms. Hwang: you mean to tell me that your chief internal investigator is this man?
Candice
Yes, Mrs Thorn. [ INTO HER DICTAPHONE: ] Note to self: successful duplicity requires an enhanced understanding of timing.
Jasmine
But he's the one under investigation!
Candice
You voted for smaller government. You can't have it both ways.
Jasmine
This is insane.
Sticky Feather
You haven't seen anything yet.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Rest assured, ma'am, I will conduct a thorough and impartial investigation of myself.
Sticky Feather
If you find any lumps, it's probably cancer.
Candice
I'm afraid you'll just have to leave this in our capable hands, Mrs Thorn. [ SHE HANDS THE VIDEOTAPE TO LT.12. ]
Scene 5b
Jasmine Thorn exits Candice's office in a huff. pan follows her, reveals Cratley under a desk.
Cratley
Is she gone?
Sarabjit
[ OUT OF VIEW ] Is who gone?
Cratley
That woman with the videotape.
Sarabjit
I think so.
Cratley straightens, and notes that Sarabjit has his head inside the photocopier.
Cratley
Help me finish this sentence: Sarabjit is in the middle of...
Sarabjit
-- Attempting to photocopy his aura.
Cratley
...Right.
as Sarabjit extricates himself from the machine, he catches his thumb on the lid, and cuts himself.
Sarabjit
Oh my goodness!
Cratley
Are you okay?
Sarabjit
It is just a small cut.
Cratley
Still we should probably go to hospital, to be on the safe side.
Sarabjit
It is a very small cut, my friend.
Cratley
Still we should probably go the bar, to be on the safe side.
Sarabjit
Okay.
Scene 6
tavern: Cratley brings drinks to the table, where Sarabjit waits.
Cratley
Stick your thumb in your drink. The alcohol will disinfect it.
Sarabjit
There is no need. Within a week, the cut will be gone.
Cratley
Not if it gets infected.
Sarabjit
Even so, my friend. The magic, restorative force will assure me a healthy thumb next week.
Cratley
Don't come crying to me when you've got gangrene.
the television has caught Sarabjit's eye. the programme is "Judge Doug" -- a bogus court show.
Sarabjit
Have you seen this show before, my friend?
Cratley
No. What is it?
plaintiff
And that's when he sprayed hairspray in my eye.
defendant
She's a dirty liar, your honour.
Judge Doug
Hey, button up. You'll get your turn, eh?
plaintiff
I ain't lyin'!
defendant
She is too!
Judge Doug
Whoa, whoa. Talk to me, eh? Not to each other. Okay? I'm the boss, apple-sauce.
plaintiff
I ain't lyin'.
Judge Doug
Hey. Another outburst out of you and I'll cite you for contempt of television. Smarten up, missy.
Cratley
I can't believe you watch this garbage, Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
This is not garbage, Cratley this is a window into the life of the common man.
pull back to reveal an entire tavern stuffed with common men, living their lives, drinking beer and watching tv. zoom back in.
Cratley
[ SHUDDERS. ] I don't care for the view.
Sarabjit
Very well, forget the TV show. Let me tell you more about my theory of the restorative force that sweeps through the universe
Cratley
Cheque please!
Sarabjit
My friend, can you not even once show some interest in one of my interests?
Cratley
Your interest is that you're mentally ill?
Sarabjit I am not ill in any way. Except for Asthma. And Diabetes. And I have a bit of a pain in my leg.
Cratley
I've got a bit of a pain in my --
Sarabjit
--As if I am going to put up with such shabby treatment! I am a human being, due my certain respect as a postal officer and as your friend, furthermore, with respect to my feelings...
Cratley leans over to the next table, and offers five dollars to the hefty, TOUGH drunk seated there.
Cratley
Here's five dollars. I don't want you to hurt him badly he's my friend. But I really want him to shut up.
Sarabjit
Say what you will -- my theory is not hooey. This much I know: when I return home: the plant will not be dead.
Scene 7
leblanc household: barbara arrives home from a long day of work.
Barbara
Hi. Sorry I'm late, Cratley as if I owe you any explanation -- but I was held up in a meeting with some cough of a human being who said I could replace my entire printers' union workforce of a hundred and twenty with a single computer. But idiot-sticks neglected to mention that we'd need one hundred and fifty introverted, greasy nerds to make the computer run. I had him killed. Ask me if I feel better I don't. The printers' union is fighting mad and this week's edition, well--
Barbara frowns as she holds up a copy of "the fiscal reality." headline: "error 404: document not found." she slaps it on the kitchen table, for the first time noting that she isn't talking to Cratley, but to little Denis. Denis is colouring.
Barbara
Oh! Hi Denis. Where's your father?
Denis
Who?
Barbara
Cratley. You know that fat guy without the hair you see around here a lot.
Denis
That's my daddy. He's a bu-reau-crat.
Denis takes up colouring on "the fiscal reality."
Barbara
I know, Denis.
Denis
Who are you?
Barbara
You're not getting enough attention, are you?
Denis blinks.
Barbara
I'm your step-mother Barbara. Barbara Clayton.
Denis
Do you like ice cream?
Barbara
I worry about you, Denis.
Denis
[ REGARDING THE PAPER: ] This editorial lacks zing.
Barbara
What?
Denis
Nevermind.
Scene 8
Sarabjit's apt. bldg, exterior later that night: limo drops off Sarabjit. he looks up at his window and notes the silhouette of his plant, still withered.
Sarabjit
Still wilting? But how? You! You carbon dioxide sucking fiend! You are playing games with my mind, and I am not going to let you get away with it!
the passerby cut Sarabjit a wide leeway.
Sarabjit
Do not look at me like I am a crazy man. How would you be acting if your houseplants were being born again, and then not being?
Scene 9
leblanc household: limo drops off a drunken Cratley. he collapses in the livingroom, before the active tv. he does not at first notice Sticky Feather sitting on the couch.
pcb news Announcer
This is the PCB News. Our top story tonight: the German Chancellor spontaneously combusts in front of one hundred witnesses this morning, making him the fourth European Union leader to expire so in as many weeks. Interpol says there is no reason to assume a connection between the deaths at this time, but Chris Carter disagrees...
Sticky Feather
Move your fat head. I can't see the logo in the corner of the screen.
Cratley
Oh Sticky Feather. I didn't see you there. Why do you have to see the logo?
Sticky Feather
So I know what channel I'm on.
Cratley
Why does that matter?
Sticky Feather
Why does anything matter?
Cratley
Touche.
pcb news Announcer
Next up: the dramatic story of a citizen determined to fight on behalf of the homeless. And here's the dramatic videotape of the assault she witnessed...
Cratley
Tabernac!
ACT II
Scene 10
Sarabjit's apt: Sarabjit wakes up. he looks around to find his apartment trashed.
Sarabjit
Heavens to Betsy, what has happened to my apartment? [ BLINKS, PAUSES, RUBS HIS EYES. ] It is beginning to come back to me ...
Sarabjit has a flashback of the evening before, as he revelled in destruction.
Sarabjit
I remember! But the magical, restorative force it has not come! It has not swept through my life, to put everything back the way it was a week ago how could I have been so wrong? What is it waiting for?
he is startled by the sound of a car horn. he goes to the window, opens it. he sees the limo outside. Cratley sticks his head out.
Cratley
Sarabjit: we've got trouble.
Sarabjit
I know! There is a flaw in my theory! I am missing something! The time period is not fixed strictly to a week.
Cratley
No, not that. Remember when that vagrant passed out yesterday? Well, the stuff's hit the fan.
Sarabjit
I do not believe he passed out, my friend ...
Cratley
Neither does anybody else.
Sarabjit
What is the current location on the blame chain?
Cratley
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Scene 11
rcemp hq, exterior: a sign reads "royal canadian extra-mounted police - 'we have bigger saddles'"
HQ INTERIOR: Busy offices, people on horseback coming and going through the halls. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze walks on foot among them. he enters an office marked ïcaptain v. saury.'
interior captain's office: captain saury sits across from Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
captain
Damn it, I'm sorry about this, Twelve. You know I hate to do it.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir.
captain
You're going to have to give me your badge.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze obliges the captain, ceremoniously handing it over.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir.
captain
I'm damn sorry, Twelve, I really am. You're going to have to give me your sidearm.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir.
captain
And hurts me to say it, Twelve, but I have to ask for your calf pistol as well.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir.
captain
It's like a burning needle stuck right in my eye to even say this, Twelve, but it's my duty. I need your co-operaton in handing over your baton.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir.
captain
And your handcuffs.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir.
captain
Pepperspray.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir.
captain
It kills me, Twelve, but I have to ask for your taser.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir.
captain
Knife. Darts. Teargas. Brass knuckles. And it's tearing me up inside, Twelve, but I need you to hand over your grappling hook.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Yassir, yassir, yassir. It's right here, sir.
captain
You should know the truth, son. We're not going to back you up. No sir, none of the way. I'm sorry, I really am.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
I understand, sir.
captain
I must say, you're taking this awfully well.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
I'm crying on the inside, sir.
sadly, Lieutenant Twelve-Douze walks out through the busy halls.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Maybe I could go back home go back to Newfoundland, and be a mall security officer again!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze imagines himself standing in a mall, busting some punks with a listless cry of...
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
That's enough loitering, you punks.
a frumpy woman in uncomfortably tight clothing and enthusiastic make-up approaches Lieutenant Twelve-Douze in the mall.
woman
Well, yer a fine cut of an autoridy figger, arentcha? I likes a man in uniform, eh? Flat on de back for dat!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze shudders, and shakes his head to chase away the image. he sighs, and walks out of rcemp hq.
Scene 12
office of the Minister Himself: Cratley and Candice sit opposite the minister, who is polishing his rifle as he speaks.
Minister Himself
Now, y'all listen up and y'all listen up good. Being the Minister of Miscellaneous Affairs for Canader may not be the most glamorous post in the world, but I swear to high heaven I'll fart three flavours of cherry hot hell if I have to resign over this situation! Do you understand me?
Cratley
Yes, Minister.
Candice
Yes, Minister.
Minister Himself
Can't our security forces find a better place to rough up perpetrators than in front of a civilian home movie camera? Sam Hill! This is Hwang's responsibility, where is he?
Candice
I am Hwang, sir. Candice Hwang.
Minister Himself
You see here, Miss Hwang. You tell your husband he's got to show his face around here once in a while. He's a good bureaucrat, but attendance counts.
Candice
But I am here, sir.
Minister Himself
[ TO CRATLEY: ] And you! Mr LeBlanc, I genuinely had you pegged as a young feller that was going to go far in this ministry but 9 hours have passed since you were featured on the news, and still no denial.
Cratley
Well, I can deny procrastinating about that, if it helps.
Minister Himself
Fixin' the barn door after the cow has come home, boy. Now, either you two find a way to clear our security officer of these charges of overzealous brutality, or you get rid of him. Y'hear?
Candice
Yes, Minister!
Cratley
Yes, Minister!
the minister points the rifle at them.
Minister Himself
What kind of an invitation do you want? Scamper, or I'll give you a whoopin' you won't soon forgit!
Candice and Cratley briefly tussle over who gets out of the door first as they hastily exit.
Scene 13
ministry boardroom: the ministry staff pour in and take their seats. everyone is present except for Lieutenant Twelve-Douze. Kostas is dressed as a cop.
Sticky Feather
Kostas, what's with the get-up?
Kostas
I'm the security understudy! What do you think? [ STRIKES A POSE. ] Hold it right there, scumbag -- I'm your daddy now.
Candice
Let's all be seated, people. It's time to begin our brainstorming session, to focus our team synergy toward our collective success.
Cratley
Pardon me?
Sarabjit
We must come up with ideas to save Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Cratley
Right. Okay. Go.
pause. everyone looks at one another expectantly, while Candice stands poised before a whiteboard with a marker in hand.
Cratley
[ CLEARS HIS THROAT, ] Go.
Kostas
Maybe we could have a bake-sale. You know raise money, sell cupcakes. It'd be so much fun and I can wear my homemaker costume!
Sticky Feather
That's a stupid idea. How is that going to help us save the Lieutenant?
Candice
Now now, Sticky Feather we don't judge ideas here. It's a brainstorming session. That means we write down every idea, no matter how foolish. [ SMILES ]
Sarabjit
Could we not persuade this outraged citizen to settle her quarrel with Lieutenant Twelve-Douze through a kind of arbitrated mediation type situation?
Kostas
With a bake-sale?
Cratley
Tell me more about this bake-sale. Would there be pretty girls?
Kostas
Well pretty, at any rate.
Sticky Feather
You're all stupid. This is a waste of time. The lieutenant is doomed.
Candice
[ WRITING "LIEUTENTNANT DOOMED" ] How do you spell 'doomed'?
Sarabjit
Sticky Feather is being absolutely correct. We must discover what would satisfy this outraged woman's outrage, and then satisfy it outside of a formal setting.
Cratley
Sarabjit, let's see if we can't be a little more constructive, okay?
Candice
That's the right attitude, Mr LeBlanc.
Cratley
Thank you, Candice. Now, I'm very confident that there is a way that we can integrate pretty girls into our plan.
Sticky Feather
You disgust me. [ EXITS IN A HUFF. ]
Cratley
Yes. And for free, no less.
Sarabjit
[ TO HIMSELF: ] A solution will never be found this way and we do not have the time to wait a week. I must act quickly! Go-go Sarabjit Power!
Sarabjit slips out, as the brainstorming goes on.
Kostas
All of them would have frosting, and some of them would have sprinkles! ministry offices: Sarabjit is flipping through files in a file cabinet marked 'solutionizations, jan dec 99.'
Sarabjit
My goodness – according to this, nearly every one of our successful solutions comes from one employee who could it be, this D.L.?
Sticky Feather speaks from over Sarabjit's shoulder, startling him.
Sticky Feather
That's Denis LeBlanc, you idiot. My sister the only person around here with half a brain.
Sarabjit
How is it that a six year old child can be responsible for the decision-making power of an entire government ministry?
Sticky Feather
How can you explain the behaviour of the government unless you imagine a six year old child making the decisions?
Sarabjit
We must consult her post haste! Come on, my frowning flower!
Sarabjit grabs Sticky Feather by the arm and pulls her away with him.
Scene 14
snowy mills primary school, exterior.
snowy mills primary, admin office: Sarabjit rushes in, followed by Sticky Feather.
secretary
Hello ... are you a parent or a guardian?
Sarabjit
No, madam, but I would please like access to a young girl.
secretary
A young girl?
Sarabjit
Not just any young girl, but a particular young girl. Could you help me with this matter?
secretary reaches under her desk to press a red button.
secretary
Um perhaps, sir if you would just have a seat ...
the vice-principal is writing at his desk, when a red light begins flashing, bearing the words: 'sexual predator alert.' the vice-principal rockets to his feet and exits his office.
Sarabjit
[ TO STICKY FEATHER: ] You see? The vice-principal himself has come to escort us.
Sarabjit
[ TO PRINCIPAL: ] Hello, my name is Sarabjit Pakarash, liaison from Canada Post to the Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs --
vice-principal
Your kind disgusts me, and I mean that. You turn my stomach.
Sarabjit
Pardon me, sir?
vice-principal
You people don't even have a right to exist.
Sticky Feather
I think he's a racist. He hates us because we're Indians.
Sarabjit
I do not see what you are getting so hot under the collar about, Mr Vice-Principal. I've simply come here to find a specific young girl, in order to her to help us solve our little problem.
vice-principal
I should break you in two over my knee.
Sarabjit
Goodness!
Scene 15
classroom: the children are seated on the floor. beside the tv, the teacher stands:
teacher
I'm sorry children, but because of the controversial religious implications involved, I am forbidden to teach you about "The Big Bang" and the origins of the Universe.
children
Awww ...
teacher
So, let's just watch this videotape quietly, instead. Okay? Settle down, now. the teacher pops in the tape and leaves the room.
videotape narrator
You may have looked up into the night sky and asked yourself, "Where did the smuniverse come from?" Well, the simple answer is: from the Smig Smang. The Smig Smang was a massive outpouring of clatter and benergy, before the beginning of pime.
troublemaker
This sucks.
troublemaker reaches up and changes the channel. the screen now displays an episode of 'Judge Doug.'
Judge Doug
Listen: ya gots to have a sense of personal accountability, hey? If you want to stay where you're to, that's fine but there's still a lease to take care of, eh? Judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of five hundred dollars.
troublemaker
Cool my dad's on this show today! My mom's suing him for child support!
troublemaker's shirt rips.
troublemaker
...I hope she wins.
enter Sarabjit and Sticky Feather.
Denis
Sticky Feather! Unca Sarabjit!
Sticky Feather
Your school smells bad.
Denis
I know. A hamster died inside the wall, and then Mr Jenkins went on to get it, and then Mr Jenkins died inside the wall.
Sarabjit
Quickly, child, we do not have much time! Tell us: how can we justify Lieutenant Twelve-Douze's actions, and save the reputation of the Ministry?
Denis
I'm watching 'Judge Doug.'
Judge Doug
Was I talking to you, sir? Was I?
troublemaker's dad
No. But, like --
Judge Doug
Put a sock in it. You'll get your turn, eh?
troublemaker
My dad's cool.
Sarabjit
You are a genius, Little Denis! Sticky Feather: let's go!
they rush out, just as the vice-principal and the secretary rush into the classroom from the other side.
vice-principal
Where are you, perverts?
secretary
Show yourselves, deviant lust machines!
inside a coat closet, two teacher engaged in heavy petting stop and blanche.
teacher
They know!
Scene 16
tavern: Cratley is sipping his drink, doing his best to avoid the darts which keep flying in his general direction.
Cratley
Lieutenant. Ahem Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze is playing darts, while very drunk.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
There's no point in calling me 'lieutenant' anymore, Mr LeBlanc. I'm just a pathetic, defenceless civilian now like you. Like everybody. Just call me by my name.
Cratley
What's your name?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
It's -- I don't remember. Doesn't matter anyway.
Cratley
Why not?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Because ... I'm going to kill myself.
enter Sarabjit, just as Lieutenant Twelve-Douze attempts to stab himself with a dart. Sarabjit and Cratley try to wrestle it free.
Sarabjit
Do not do it, Lieutenant!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
There's no point in going on as a civilian!
they manage to subdue him.
Cratley
Oh, sure there is, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
You don't understand taking down dirtbags is my raisin-eater.
Cratley
Your pardon me?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
My raisin-eater – you know, my porpoise.
Cratley
I think you've had enough. [ DRINKS LT.12'S DRINK ]
Sarabjit
But your salvation is at hand! We have come up with a plan that is guaranteed to clear your name in this matter!
Cratley
We have?
Sarabjit
Indeed, my friend. We will convince this outraged citizen, this Mrs Thorn, to settle the dispute on television. I am sure you could convince this Judge Doug to see things from our perspective, Cratley, with out all the effort and expense of bribing a real judge.
Cratley
Nevermind mind that, Sarabjit I've come up with a plan. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze: we're going to twist the arm of a television judge and clear your name for all the public to see.
Sarabjit
Wait a minute...
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze Forget it, it won't work. There's only one fella that can help a guy out of a hole this deep. Back home, whenever I got in trouble, I knew cousin Ted would be there to save my sorry arse.
Sarabjit
Perhaps we could convince your cousin to appear on the programme, if it would make you feel any better.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
You don't understand -- with Ted it's not about moral support. Ever since he was hit by lightning the fourth time, he's been a supernatural source of positive energy.
Sarabjit
Ah-ha!
Cratley
A what?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
The man's a living good luck charm! Except that he's dead. [ LOOKS UP SUDDENLY, ] Bartender, another round! [ COLLAPSES, UNCONSCIOUS. ]
Sarabjit
Cratley, perhaps such a good luck charm is just what is needed to satisfy the magical, restorative force -- to make it come and set everything back the way it is. Yes, yes I think I am definitely on to something now. Perhaps, if we unearthed the corpse of this cousin Ted, and then --
Cratley
Have a drink, Sarabjit.
Sarabjit drinks, and instantly passes out.
Cratley
Ah, that's better.
a woman of the night approaches Cratley, and sits down.
woman of the night
Your friends look a little tired, sweetie. Looking for some company that's a little more lively?
Cratley
Sit down, chou-chou. Let me buy you a drink. What do you do for a living?
woman of the night
I'm a freelance masseuse.
Cratley
Do you have an office?
woman of the night
I work door to door.
Cratley
Are you on duty right now?
woman of the night
Sure. Feeling tense?
Cratley
Well I really should take care of these two, and get home to feed my kids...
freelance masseuse
I award air miles.
Cratley
Now that's a horse of a different colour. Saddle up, toots.
exit Cratley and his new friend, leaving Sarabjit and Lieutenant Twelve-Douze face down at the bar.
ACT III
Scene 17
offices of 'the fiscal reality' newspaper: behind a door marked 'editor-in-chief: Barbara clayton' in golden letters, Barbara sits at her big desk, a blur of action, using two telephones at once, okaying documents put under her nose by underlings, &c.
Barbara
Oh, Watkins, good & I'm glad you called. I need to talk to you urgently. Please hold. [ SWITCHES TELEPHONES ] Stanley, I'm tired you and your 24 point typeface crap. I don't care if your uncle's eyes bleed I'm telling you what makes money sense is 6 point type. Micro-what? Is that a remark? You're fired. [ TO INTERCOM: ] Cindy, get me a new typesetter on the line, STAT. [ TO 1st TELEPHONE ] I'm sorry to keep on you on hold, let's do lunch. Hold on. [ TO INTERCOM: ] Cindy! What's the hold-up?
pause.
Barbara
Cindy? [ FURROWING HER BROW ] The level of incompetence in this office is skyrocketing all of a sudden -- I feel cold...
one of the underlings offering a document for Barbara to sign trips over himself and falls through the window. two other underlings crash into one another, and knock heads repeatedly.
Barbara
This hasn't happened since the last time -- [ BLANCHES ] Oh no!
a female scream is heard outside of Barbara's office door, just before Cratley strides in, rubbing his face as if slapped.
Cratley
Surprise! Hey, I brought you a -- [ LOOKS AT HIS EMPTY HANDS ] nothing. Anyway, how's tricks?
Cratley sits on the edge of Barbara's desk, as Barbara fights to keep her disgust under control.
Barbara
[ TO UNDERLINGS ] Leave us. [ TO CRATLEY: ] What do you want, Cratley?
Cratley
Why, isn't it reason enough that a fellow comes around to visit his lovely wife at work?
pause.
Cratley
All kidding aside, I need to ask you a favour.
Barbara
Please leave, Cratley. You're like a vortex of bureaucratic inefficiency, affecting everything around it every minute you're here is costing my paper thousands. Beyond that: I simply don't like you.
Cratley
All kidding aside, here's the favour: I need to know everything you can dig up about one Judge Doug he's the star of one of these trash-TV courtroom shows. I need leverage with him, or I'll have to sacrifice the only member of my staff who would jump on a live grenade to save my life.
Barbara
If I procured a grenade, would you be willing to let me try that out?
Cratley
Not if it turned you on. Listen: this is important. The lieutenant's a good man he just happened to overzealously beat the crap out of a defenceless vagrant. But who among us has not been guilty of exactly the same thing at one time or another?
Barbara raises her hand. after a brief hesitation, Cratley raises his as well.
Barbara
I'm impressed.
Cratley
That's not the point. The point is --
Barbara
If you can't spin this right, the Minister Himself's going to come down on you, and you might have to actually do something.
Cratley
More or less.
outside of the office, sounds of collision and calamity sound. Barbara eats a pill.
Barbara
Cratley, if you promise and I mean promise & never, ever to come here again I'll dig up some dirt on this Judge Doug for you.
Cratley
Thanks a million, Babs. [ GETS UP TO GO, PAUSES AT THE DOOR, SAYS WARMLY: ] I tolerate you.
Barbara
Yeah yeah yeah, I tolerate you too... now get out of here.
Scene 18
Cratley rides in the limousine, speaking on the telephone.
Cratley
Yeah, Sarabjit, this is Cratley. We're a go on the dirt scoop.
Sarabjit
Excellent, my friend. Candice has successfully convinced Ms Thorn to settle her dispute on television.
Cratley
Super. When do we have to be at the studio?
Sarabjit
Two thirty. But there remains yet one problem, my friend
Cratley
What's that?
Sarabjit
No one is seeing or hearing from Lieutenant Twelve-Douze in hours! We cannot find him anywhere. x, there is still the issue of my unwatered fern ...
Cratley
Sarabjit: activate the tracking beacon located in the lieutenant's skull!
Sarabjit
If you recall sir, the Minister Himself vetoed that idea. You ended up spending the money on that chair with the built-in fanny-massage.
Cratley
Oh yeah ... I thought my bum felt good lately. So no tracking implants, eh?
Sarabjit
I'm afraid not.
Cratley
Zut-alors! Where could the lieutenant be?
Scene 19
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze wanders forlornly through the rain. he looks to the left and sees a man being hauled away by the cops; he looks to the right and sees a bouncer refusing entry to a club. he sighs, pathetically clutching his coat to his shoulders against the drizzle. pull back to reveal that he is walking through a public fountain. it is a sunny day. he is approached by a parks&rec guy.
parks&rec guy
Dude & you totally can't be doing that in such a big way, y'know?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
You're kicking me out of the fountain?
parks&rec guy
It's my job, dude. I'm from the Parks department.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
[ BECOMING INCREASINGLY BELLIGERENT: ] The Parks department, eh?
parks&rec guy
[ BACKING AWAY ] Hey guy, I don't want any trouble.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Maybe I'm looking for a little trouble. Maybe I want you to make me get out of your precious little fountain. Come on! Make me, punk.
the parks&rec guy runs away.
parks&rec guy
Dude!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
What does a man have to do to get his arse kicked by an authority figure around here?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze stands before a television store, where every screen is showing a Scene of police brutality. a tear creeps into his eye. in a fit of despair, he grabs a passerby and yells:
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
My life has lost all meaning!
the passerby shakes himself free.
passerby
And you have bad breath.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze sighs, and settles into a catatonic state, staring at the television screens.
Cratley's limousine pulls up.
Cratley
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze! Lieutenant! Helloo? Uh-oh. Omar, better load him up in the trunk it doesn't look like he's going to fold easily.
Scene 20
ministRY inner offices: Kostas sits at reception and buffs his nails. enter the Minister Himself, causing Kostas to jump up and briefly appear busy.
Kostas
Mr Minister! Good morning, sir.
Minister Himself
Do you work here?
Kostas
Well, 'work' may be a bit of a stretch, but for simplicity's sake I'm going to say 'yes.'
Minister Himself
Well, where in tarnation are all my chief underlings? I can't find young Cratley LeBlanc anywhere. And I haven't seen Mr Hwang for months, it seems.
Kostas
Oh! Well, everyone's out looking for Lieutenant Twelve-Douze, Minister.
Minister Himself
You don't say? And this, lieutenant he's in some kind of army is he, son?
Kostas
He's from the Royal Canadian Extra Mounted Police, sir. He's our chief of security here.
Minister Himself
Here?
Kostas
Yes, Minister.
Minister Himself
Now just between you and me, son: where exactly are we?
Kostas
We're at the zoo.
Minister Himself
The zoo?
Kostas
That's right, Minister.
Minister Himself I want to see the monkey house.
Kostas
That way, sir.
Minister Himself
It's a hard man that doesn't have a soft spot for monkeys.
Kostas
I could've have put it better myself, sir.
exit Minister Himself. enter Candice and Sticky Feather.
Candice
I've told you again and again, Sticky Feather : don't contaminate my success-oriented head-space with your negativity!
Sticky Feather
I don't know why I put up with you. I hate you. I hate working for you. Where's my pay cheque?
enter Cratley and his driver, carrying the catatonic Lieutenant Twelve-Douze between them.
Cratley
I found him, but he's in some kind of funk.
Kostas
Eek!
Kostas summons office girls to assist Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Candice
Mr LeBlanc, you have only twenty minutes to get to the studio. That outraged citizen, Jasmine Thorn -- she'll be waiting for you.
Cratley
I understand that but the defendant is frozen in carbonite.
the telephone rings.
Kostas
Eek!
Sticky Feather
Shut up.
Cratley
[ TO KOSTAS, THROWING HIM A PILL:] You, valium! [ TO STICKY FEATHER: ] You, telephone!
Sticky Feather
Allo bonjour: what. Oh, it's you. Yes, he's here. Fine. I want my own car.
she hands to phone to Cratley.
Cratley
This may or may not be LeBlanc.
Barbara
I have no dirt on this judge, Cratley. The guy's life is supernaturally clean. I don't get it.
Cratley
There's nothing we can use?
Barbara
Nothing. His holding company does some tame trading, nothing remarkable. He's clean as a whistle.
Cratley
Tabernac!
Barbara
You must be very frustrated and disappointed.
Cratley
Fairly.
Barbara
Well, then at least it wasn't a total loss, from my point of view. Goodbye.
Cratley hangs up, sighing heavily.
Candice
Good news?
Cratley
Right. This is terrible this means we'll have to win the case on its own merits.
Candice
Oh my God! [ CLAPS HER HANDS OVER HER EARS ]
Kostas and his reception staff are tending to the unresponsive Lieutenant Twelve-Douze. suddenly inspired, Sticky Feather kisses Lieutenant Twelve-Douze faerie-tale style in order to awaken him.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Buh.
Kostas
How many fingers am I holding up?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Buh.
Kostas
Close enough it's showtime!
Cratley
Omar: start the car. Where the devil is Sarabjit?
Scene 21
Sarabjit's apartment: Sarabjit sits in the middle of the floor, staring down his wilting fern.
Sarabjit
Go on, restore yourself to health. Restore yourself to way you were one week ago. I dare you, do it while I watch!
a dried-up leaf drops off the fern.
Sarabjit
All right Mr Smarty-Fern it now down to you and me alone. You and me and this apartment, and miscellaneous objects and gases and so on.
a slight breeze causes the leaves to rustle slightly.
Sarabjit
I know you can hear me. I know you mock me.
leaves rustle again.
Sarabjit
And you know the secret : why everything has not yet snapped back in place, to way it has previously been. [ PAUSE. ] There must remain yet one more piece of the puzzle!
scratching his head thoughtfully, Sarabjit turns on the television. he sees the opening credits of 'Judge Doug'
Announcer
It's time for justice. Our litigants have come here today to have their dispute settled here, presided over by Judge Doug.
Sarabjit
Oh no! If the verdict comes before the restorative force sweep through, anything could happen to the poor lieutenant! His future is uncertain!
Scene 22
television courtroom: the litigants enter as they are announced.
Announcer
The plaintiff: Mrs Jasmine Thorn, from Canada. She'll be speaking on behalf of the alleged victim in this situation, a vagrant known only as 'Five Dollars' of no-fixed-address.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Announcer
The defendant: Lieutenant Twelve-Doozy, an officer of the Royal Canadian Extra Mounted Police. He maintains that he only uses undue force when it is clearly appropriate. Let's all watch as Judge Doug enters the courtroom ...
Judge Doug
I've read your complaints, eh. I'm pretty familiar with the overall situation, but I'd like to comment personally a few items before I get a-rulin'.
Jasmine
Your honour, I have a question.
Judge Doug
What's your question, sir?
Jasmine
Ma'am.
Judge Doug
That's not a question.
Jasmine
My question is: are you a real judge?
Judge Doug
Please save your questions for the end, eh? Okay, so like, let's hear your case.
the court watches Jasmine's videotape of the assault against Five Dollars at the ministry, Candice and Kostas lean close to the television.
Sticky Feather
He's screwed.
next, Jasmine activates a slide projector.
Jasmine
Now, if you didn't find that compelling, your honour, please look at these photographs, taken at the hospital, of the victim's bruise.
Judge Doug
[ RECOILING ] Eu!
Jasmine stands before a scale model of the Scene, and uses a pointer to explain it. dissolve to her summation.
Jasmine
The Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs, a branch of our own federal government, has in effect sanctioned this harassment of the homeless by not taking immediate action against this man, and other two men featured in the video. What I demand for my fellow citizen here [ GESTURES TO FIVE DOLLARS ] is accountability for his shabby treatment at the hands of state officials. I rest my case.
Judge Doug
Okay. Defence?
Cratley
My name is LeBlanc, your honour, Cratley LeBlanc. I'll be representing the lieutenant. We have only a single witness to call.
Five Dollars is on the stand.
Cratley
Would you please state your name, for the record?
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Cratley
And your occupation?
Five Dollars
Give me five dollars or I'll hork on your shoe.
Cratley
Yes indeed. Do you recognise this man? [ POINTS TO LT.12. ]
Five Dollars
[ SQUINTING ] Five dollars?
Cratley
Tell me: what would it take to satisfy you in this matter? To make you feel that the scales have been righted, in your favour?
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Cratley
Five dollars?
Five Dollars
Or I hork on your shoe.
Cratley
Your honour?
Judge Doug
[ NODDING ] Sounds fair to me.
Jasmine
Your honour, I object! This man is clearly not capable of making that kind of agreement by himself.
Judge Doug
Take it up on Appeals TV, eh?
Jasmine
Appeals TV? I've never heard of it.
Judge Doug
[ SHRUGS. ] Never have I. [ BANGS HIS GAVEL. ] Lieutenant Twelve-Douze: you are ordered to award this man five dollars.
Five Dollars
Now I can re-build my empire.
Scene 23
Sarabjit's apartment: Sarabjit turns around to see his fern restored to health.
Sarabjit
Ah-ha! But this miracle only spawns more questions: what is the connection between my house plants and the fate of Lieutenant Twelve-Douze? What is this weekly cycle that seems to rule nature? Stop mocking me, you stupid plant.
Scene 24
tv studio, off the air: Judge Doug walks out as Cratley and Lieutenant Twelve-Douze congratulate one another.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
I don't know how you did it, but you did it, Mr LeBlanc -- even though you're not cousin Ted.
Cratley
I succeeded because I'm a genius, dear lieutenant.
simmering, Jasmine shakes her head.
Jasmine
This TV courtroom is a lousy excuse for justice! I don't know what version of the law you subscribe to, Mister Judge, but it sure doesn't make any sense to me.
Judge Doug
It's elementary, Mrs Thorn : nepotism. [ HE REMOVES HIS JUDGE WIG. ] You see, the good lieutenant is my cousin.
Jasmine
What!
Cratley
Ah, well that certainly makes a lot more sense than my being a genius. Still, it felt good for a moment there.
Judge Doug
My real name is Theodore Twelve-Douze.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Cousin Ted!
Judge Doug
I faked my own death several years ago to avoid paying off my student loan; then I reinvented myself as a TV judge.
Jasmine
I wish I could fake my own death and invent myself as a size 6.
Cratley
I've decided to fake my own death and reinvent myself as a TV judge. I am a genius after all.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Buddy! [ PUNCHES DOUG IN THE FACE. ]
Judge Doug
I loves ya, buddy! [ RETURNS THE PUNCH ]
the twelve-douze boys wrestle each other to the floor while shouting affectionately.
Cratley
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
he catches up with Jasmine as she exits the studio.
Jasmine
That's what you get, Jasmine Thorn, for trying to help somebody out : humiliation.
Cratley
I feel for you.
Jasmine
And I bet my husband forgot to programme to VCR to record the show. So it's ignominy on top of humiliation.
Cratley
He's a swine.
Jasmine
I just wanted to do something, you know? Break out of the old routine. Have a little adventure.
Cratley
I'm a powerful bureaucrat with a bottomless expense account. Why don't you come back to my limousine and sit on my lap?
Jasmine
I don't think so ...
Cratley
Aw c'mon ... I've got an adventure in my pocket with your name on it.
the re-united cousins exit the studio together, and the lights shut down. Five Dollars is left alone, forgotten.
Five Dollars
Five dollars?
Scene 25
it is a fresh new day at the ministry. as citizens queue up, lt. 12 is efficiently dealing out justice.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
No smoking, dirtbag! Hey, I already told you punks to get out of here!
he waves happily to Cratley and Sarabjit as they walk outside.
Sarabjit
... And that is when I discovered, my friend, my theory of multiplex intertwined causality. Are you following me so far?
Cratley
I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.
Sarabjit
Do you not realise the philosophical implications of what I am implying?
they come across Five Dollars' usual spot, but the stained cardboard nest is empty.
Cratley
Bonus! Alright, Mr Mystic: if your magical force puts everything back the way it was a week ago, where's Five Dollars? See? Everything is not back the way it was.
just as he is about to walk on, a truck from social services drives up. two volunteers exit with Five Dollars, and put him in his place.
Cratley
Tabernac! Wait a minute -- why do you always have to bring him back here? I mean, why here specifically?
volunteer
This is his home.
Cratley
What do you mean? He's homeless. He's essentially a nomad, isn't he? Why don't you spice up his life and drop him off somewhere he's never been?
volunteers
[ ZOMBIE-LIKE UNISON ] We have to put things back to way they were.
they tag Five Dollars, affix him with a radio marker, and then get back in the truck and drive off.
Five Dollars
Five dollars.
Sarabjit
Vindication! The world is truly mad.
Cratley
I need a cigarette.
Sarabjit
You have already quit, my friend.
Cratley
Shut up. Let's continue this conversation at the nearest exotic dance emporium.
Sarabjit
Very well, my friend.
they head for the street.
Cratley
[ TO LT.12, SHOUTING: ] If anybody needs us, we're on break.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sure thing, Mr LeBlanc. [ TO A CIVILIAN: ] Back in line, scum!
civilian in line
What about my organ transplant forms? I need a new liver!
Cratley
I'll drink a scotch for you.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze cracks someone with his baton, and grins.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Aw, wanton sweet violence!
fin