Notes:
This is the first script commissioned by the CBC for the proposed animated series The Bureaucrat (animated clips of the proto-pilot can be seen here). The version below contains much more material than would ever make it into an actual episode: in subsequent revisions it was sliced and trimmed by Steve Smith in a vain effort to squeeze the chaos into three clean 7 minute acts. Seeing as we never ended up with a finished episode, I thought there would be nothing to lose by posting the whole un-edited song and dance. You may want to refer to the Character Bible document, to help you figure out who is who. Any irregularities in terms of caPITAlisation and other formatting curiosities I blame entirely on Microsoft Word's HTML export function, which fairly sucks.
7 January 2000
The Bureaucrat: Waste of a Rocket Scientist
Hemming/Smith
TEASER
a suburban home, interior, kitchen:
mama and young tim are finishing breakfast.
Tim
Mama, what's a bureaucrat?
Mama
Well honey, a bureaucrat is a paper-eating monster that makes mommies and daddies fill out all sorts of complicated forms, and do all sorts of complicated math. And if the mommies and daddies make any mistakes, the bureaucrat only gets hungrier for more paper.
Tim
How do you get away from the monster?
Mama
I don't know, Timmy. I -- just -- don't -- know...
ACT I
Scene I
SAME SUBURBAN HOME, FRONT PORCH: Mama ESCORTS Tim OUT TO HIS BIKE, CARRYING HIS KNAPSACK AND A SMALL PICNIC BASKET.
Tim
...But I don't understand. Why does daddy to wait in line so long?
mama
I told you, honey. When daddy was laid off from the aerospace plant, he needed to find a new job quickly. Daddy's going to drive a taxicab. You like riding in taxicabs, don't you?
Tim
Sure, who doesn't? ...Except for that one that smelled like --
mama
Mommy remembers, Timmy. The point is, daddy needs to feed the bureaucrat monster all sorts of applications and forms to get his taxicab licence, and that's why he's waiting in line.
Tim
But mama, he's been gone for six weeks.
mama
It's a very long line. Here, be a dear and run this food to your father on your way to school.
Tim
Okay, mama. B'bye!
Tim RIDES OFF.
Mama
(FORLORN) This isn't how it's supposed to be for you, Tim. Breakfast should be a meal when a family can be together, laughing and talking, and sharing eggs. And bacon. With love.
Scene II
THE LeBLANC KITCHEN: TWO ALKA-SELTZER TABLETS DROP INTO A GLASS OF WATER, AND BEGIN TO FIZZ ENTHUSIASTICALLY. CRATLEY STANDS BY WITH MARKEDLY LESS ENTHUSIASM FOR THE MORNING, LOOKING A LITTLE LIKE HE'S BEEN HIT BY A TRAIN. ACROSS THE TABLE FROM HIM IS LITTLE DENIS, WHO IS MUNCHING AWAY AT A BOWL OF CEREAL. BARBARA SITS OPPOSITE THE VACANT SEAT, SIPPING HER COFFEE AND GAZING AT NOTHING. THE TABLE CENTRE-PIECE IS A BRIGHTLY COLOURED CEREAL BOX.
AFTER SIPPING HIS BREAKFAST, CRATLEY REACHES OUT AND ROTATES THE BOX 180 DEGREES.
Denis
Hey, I already read the French side!
Cratley
Oh. Sorry, son.
Denis
I'm a girl, Dad.
Cratley
...Right.
ENTER STICKY FEATHER.
Denis
G'morning Sticky Feather!
Cratley
Sticky Feather, it's past nine o'clock. Why aren't you at work yet?
Sticky Feather
Why aren't you at work yet?
Cratley
Don't talk to me that way, I'm your father. And besides, I can always fire you.
Sticky Feather
I hate you. Shut up.
Cratley
Okay.
Sticky Feather takes a pitcher of orange juice from the refrigerator, and scrutinises it.
Sticky Feather
I hate this brand. You bought it on purpose.
Cratley
I'm sorry.
Sticky Feather
Shut up. Forever.
she drinks directly from the carton and then stomps out.
Cratley
Her is voice is like surgery without anaesthetic to my ears. How did I raise such an ungrateful misery of a daughter? I'm a loving, attentive father, aren't I, son?
Denis
I'm a girl, Dad.
Denis dons her knapsack and heads for the door.
Cratley
...Right. Now, did you remember to fix yourself something for lunch?
Denis
I have a credit card.
Cratley
Ah. Of course.
exit Denis. pause. Cratley regards Barbara.
Cratley
'Morning.
Barbara grunts with mild contempt and eats a capsule.
Scene III
EXTERIOR, THE MINISTRY. YOUNG Tim RIDES UP ON HIS BIKE, AND THEN SCAMPERS ACROSS THE SIDEWALK TO THE MAIN ENTRANCE. HIS WAY IS BLOCKED BY FIVE DOLLARS.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Tim
I'm bring my daddy his breakfast.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Tim attempts to go around the menacing vagrant, but Five Dollars lurches into his path at every turn.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze comes out of the ministry and leaps to the rescue. he threatens Five Dollars with his baton until tim is safely inside the lobby.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
I'm warning you, Mister. I've had about as much of your homelessness as I'm willing to take.
Five Dollars
Five dollars?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
That's enough of your lip.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze follows Tim inside the ministry.
Tim
Thanks, Lieutenant Twelve-Douze--that time he almost got me.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
In a way, I almost wish he did get you, Timmy. Now don't get me wrong: I don't want anything bad to happen to you. It's just that...well, that would give me just cause to use my baton to crack his head open like a ripe melon.
Tim
Oh, wow!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
You like violence, eh Timmy?
Tim
Sure, who doesn't?
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
That's the spirit. Now, let's see...where's your dad at today?
they survey the nightmarish scene before them, dozens and dozens of people waiting in a score of lines, merging into a single shantytown of unkempt humanity. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze leads tim through the crowd, snatching him away just in time from a hungry man in rags who begins to envision tim as an assemblage of walking meat products.
HUNGRY MAN
Must--have--food!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze dispatches a cloud of pepperspray, and carries tim on ahead. he spots tim's dad, brian, who is bearded and ragged from his six weeks in line.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Dr Pennington! Dr Pennington! Brian! Hey!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze puts tim down, and sends him off toward his father. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze straightens and smiles, nodding to himself with saitsfaction in the middle of the crowd of desperate humanity. a tear comes to his eye as father and son re-unite.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
That's what this job is all about.
the hungry man approaches Lieutenant Twelve-Douze from behind, but 12 is faster: he takes HIM out with one savage, decisive twirl of his baton.
Scene IV
Cratley's limousine: Cratley is sipping a martini in the backseat while omar silently drives. Cratley spots Sarabjit up ahead. on the street, Sarabjit is considering a fairly large package. the car pulls up beside him.
Cratley
Sarabjit. Can I offer you a lift?
Sarabjit
Oh, my friend, I am so glad you have arrived here as I am arriving here, for I have a problem.
Cratley
Truth be known, Sarabjit, you have several problems.
Sarabjit
Well, this particular problem deals exclusively in the domain of package delivery, and I know you have a certain amount of experience in this field, for you have been a postie yourself in your day.
Cratley
Hey! Would you keep it down? Somebody's going to hear you.
Sarabjit
Well that is only so much malarkey--there is no one around for miles.
several cars drive by simultaneously as a jogger runs past, followed by a school field-trip of children holding hands escorted by a teacher.
Sarabjit
As I was saying, I do not know whether I should throw this package through the air like a lacrosse ball, or send it sliding up the driveway like a curling-rock.
Cratley
You could always carry it.
Sarabjit
And risk breaking my neck slipping on that ice? I am not as foolhardy as you, my foolhardy friend.
Cratley
Just get in the car.
Sarabjit
Well, six of one, a half-dozen of the other...
Sarabjit shrugs, and dumps the package in a nearby trashcan. he gets in the car, and it pulls away from the kerb.
Sarabjit
Here is your coffee, Cratley my friend ?
b>Sarabjit spills coffee on Cratley's lap as he hands it to him.
Sarabjit
--Be careful, for it is being very hot.
Cratley
(STRAINED) Thank you. (REGAINS COMPOSURE) Listen, Sarabjit: you like riding in the limousine, eh?
Sarabjit
Oh, I do, my friend.
Cratley
Yeah. And I'm sure you've grown attached to that rent subsidy on your apartment. And all the restaurants...you like eating in the restaurants with me, right?
Sarabjit
If you want to call them restaurants, who I am I to dispute you?
Cratley
The point is, your position with me is predicated on your silence, Sarabjit. If I hear you even get close to revealing my secret again, that's it--you're cut off.
Sarabjit
Cut off?
Cratley
Cut off!
Sarabjit
No more complimenary drinks, complimentary food, complimentary travel, complimentary exotic massage?
Cratley
No more nothing.
Sarabjit
Trust me, my friend--I have eaten the key to my lips.
the limo deposits them before the ministry. they stroll toward it.
Cratley
So, tell me about today, Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
I have you penciled in at the tavern for four and a half hours for most of the morning...
Cratley
Perfect.
Sarabjit
...But you must also commit some time to research for the Royal Inquiry --
Cratley
Tabernac.
Sarabjit
--into Internet Pornography.
Cratley
Ah-ha!
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Cratley jingles his change-filled pockets.
Cratley
I'm afraid I don't have Five Dollars.
Five Dollars
Five dollars!
Cratley
I said --
Five Dollars
You! It's you!
Cratley
I don't have --
Five Dollars
You're the one who put me here! You're the one who ruined my life! You!
Cratley
I've already told you, I don't have five dollars. Now let us by before I slap you silly with my briefcase.
Sarabjit
My friend, you are not carrying a briefcase.
Cratley
Thank you for your help.
Cratley and Sarabjit are inside the lobby. Cratley pauses beside a hotdog vendor (roped off from the mob/village/cue of civilians with an 'employees only' sign).
Cratley
How much?
hotdogman
Ten dolla.
Cratley
Keep the change.
Cratley and Sarabjit walk on, pushing their way through the crowd.
Sarabjit
As I was saying sir, in the afternoon you have a meeting with two environmentalists from the west coast...
Cratley
Good, good. The oubliette's been too long empty. Do you want a bite of my hotdog?
Sarabjit
No sir, I am a vegetarian.
Cratley
Oh, I'm pretty sure there isn't any meat in this. Not what you or I would call meat, at any rate. [TAKES A BITE.]
Sarabjit
But it cost you ten dollars!
Cratley
Ah, what's ten dollars?
they pass by a man who is being served at a small wicket by a misc civil servant.
civil-servant
I'm sorry sir, but you're ten dollars short on your dog licence. Sparky will have to be destroyed.
man
No--no, wait! I'll go in his place.
civil-servant
As you wish. Please fill out this form in triplicate and then climb into the kennel, sir.
man
Don't waste your life, Sparky. Go on, boy. Make something of yourself. Go! Bring meaning to my sacrifice.
sparky trots off. deeper in the crowd, Tim and his father Brian are munching on Brian's breakfast.
Tim
I'm scared, Daddy. Is the bureaucrat monster going to get you?
Brian
Oh no, son, heck no. Why, you can't keep a good man down. Your old man takes a licking, but he keeps on ticking. Sure, I was a senior aerospace engineer one day, and in the gutter the next--but that's freedom.
Tim
Freedom?
Brian
Why, sure. Freedom is what makes this country so great. A man may get knocked down, but by golly he can just get right back up again and become anything he wants.
Tim
Are you gonna build rocketships again, Dad?
Brian
Son, the career possibilities leading out of taxicab driving are virtually endless.
Tim
Wow!
Brian
I love this country, son, and it will love me back. Of this I have no doubt. Where else but here can a man say that? Where else but here can a man bootstrap himself from the gutter to the millionaire's club if he's just got the gumption?
Tim
The United States?
Brian
Well, yes. The United States, too.
Tim
What about Germany? And then there's Holland, or Sweden...
Brian
Um, yes yes yes. I see your point, sonÑ
Tim
And don't forget New Zealand.
Brian
That's enough Tim! Let your father pontificate a little more. The point is, all it takes is a little elbow grease and--Mr LeBlanc!
Brian has spotted Cratley and Sarabjit as they make their way toward the elevators. Brian rushes toward them.
Brian
Mr LeBlanc, oh please, you must see me today, you simply must. My deadline for application is midnight tonight. Please, Mr LeBlanc! I've been waiting in line for six weeks. I haven't slept, I haven't even gone to the bathroom--!
Cratley
For the last Time: I don't have five dollars!
Sarabjit
My goodness!
BRIAN
Please--I'll do anything you want!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze spots the mayhem. he launches himself between Cratley and Brian, bopping the latter on the head with his baton. Brian folds into a neat pile, unconscious. Tim is shocked. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze smiles sheepishly.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sorry kid. Just doing my job. This way Mr LeBlanc...Sarabjit.
Scene VI
ministry inner offices: as dozens of drab civil-servants play solitaire on their computers, Kostas sits at the reception desk and buffs his nails. the telephone rings.
Kostas
Hello-bonjour, Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs, how can I help you? Uh-hunh...uh-hunh...Certainly, sir! Please hold, while I transfer your call.
Kostas hangs up and resumes buffing his nails. he spots Cratley and Sarabjit as they enter.
Kostas
Mr LeBlanc, you're finally here! The Minister Himself wants to see you post-haste.
Cratley
Post haste?
Kostas
That's right sweetie--now scamper.
Cratley
This shouldn't take long, Sarabjit. Why don't you go to my office and call up the Royal Inquiry files. Your find them in the folder marked 'sweet teen nymphos.'
Sarabjit
Very well, my friend, though I worry for your eyesight.
Scene VII
minister's office anteroom: Sticky Feather is collating papers for Candice.
Candice
Mr Leblanc, you are twenty-six hours late for work!
Cratley
I guess my watch stopped. What's up with the Minister Himself?
Candice
The Minister Himself is in conference with a personage of great importance in terms of corporate-sector party support.
Cratley
A what?
Candice
A party supporter. Zirpopsovitch, of Zirpopsovitch Optics International. It is of the utmost importance that we enhance his comfort level with respect to party contributions.
Cratley
Oh yeah.
Candice
Sticky Feather, my notes, please.
Sticky Feather hands a file folder to Candice, who slips inside the minister's office.
Cratley
Sticky Feather: my notes, please.
Sticky Feather
Shut up. You don't have notes.
Cratley
Oh. Okay, then.
Cratley enters the minister's office.
Scene viii
Minister Himself's office: the minister sits behind his desk, across from harry zirpopsovitch, optics baron.
Minister Himself
You have my complete assurance as a gentleman, sir, that we'll do everything in our power to make this situation right for y'all.
zirpopsovitch
That's very reassuring, Minister. I'm glad to see that your organisation is flexible enough to change with the Times.
Candice
We are sensitive to the needs of today's multinational supercorporation.
Minister Himself
That we are indeed. In fact, some might just say it's our focus.
zirpopsovitch
Optics--focus. I get it. You're a very funny man, Mr Minister.
Minister Himself
Well, I don't want to risk a body accusing yours truly of making light of these matters...
zirpopsovitch
Making light! That's rich. I should be writing these down.
Cratley
Ahem. I'm sure you'll find all of us here at the ministry reflective of that attitude.
dead silence. zirpopsovitch shuffles his feet awkwardly, and Candice looks out the window. the minister clears his throat.
Minister Himself
You'll have to excuse young Cratley--he's new here, and still learning the ropes.
Cratley
I've been here for twenty-five years...
zirpopsovitch
It's hard to find good help. [GETS UP TO LEAVE.] Oh, and Minister--I trust you'll be able to take care of that...little favour I mentioned?
Minister Himself
Consider it done, Mr Zirpopsovitch. You have my word as a country gentleman.
exit zirpopsovitch. the minister turns to Cratley and Candice.
Minister Himself
Oh, hello there. How can I help you?
Cratley
Um. We were here for the meeting, your Ministership.
Minister Himself
Meeting? With whom? Dagnabit, that secretary of mine never tells me anything.
quick shot of the minister's secretary, in the aNteroom: she is clearly in an advanced state of decomposition. back in office:
Candice
The meeting with optics baron and corporate party supporter Harry Zirpopsovitch.
Minister Himself
Ah yes. Send him in.
Candice
Sir?
Minister Himself
And where in tarnation is Hwang?
Candice
I'm right here, sir.
Minister Himself
Now, y'all listen up good: I'm sure he's very busy, but it just won't do to be sending you in his place. Nossir, it won't do at all.
Candice
But I am Hwang, sir.
Minister Himself
Well, that may well be, missy, but I need to see your husband face to face if we're to make any headway on this waste disposal issue.
Cratley
What waste disposal issue?
Minister Himself
Why, the thirty-six metric tonnes of toxic industrial by-product we've offered to dispose of on Mr Zirpopsovitch's behalf. I want to hear some ideas. Send LeBlanc in here.
Cratley
Here I am, sir.
Minister Himself
By God you're a quick little whipper-snapper--here already I see. Now what do you have to say about this toxic waste?
Cratley
I believe we should dispose of it, sir.
Minister Himself
That's capital thinking, LeBlanc. [TO CANDICE:] Your husband could learn a thing or two from young Cratley, here. Even if he is a little wet behind the ears.
Candice
But sir, I do not have a husband!
Minister Himself
If you're living in sin, that's a matter between you and the man upstairs. Tell your husband we need a disposal solution before the end of the day, or we'll lose this year's contribution from Zirpopsovitch Optics.
Cratley
I see.
Minister Himself
What's that?
Cratley
An optics joke, sir.
Minister Himself
Well, it's not very damn funny.
Candice
Sir, the Ministry of the Environment has indicated that several local lakes had a lower pollution content than anticipated this year. Perhaps we could distribute the waste throughout these lakes, bringing the pollution content back up to meet expectations. That way, no one will ever notice.
Cratley
I must disagree, sir. I suggest we bury the waste in an obvious location, make certain that someone notices, and then we take control of the inquiry into the matter.
Minister Himself
Now that's bureaucratic thinking. Good work, LeBlanc. I don't mind telling you I'll be very pleased with whichever one of you finds an appropriate dump site. Missy--you'll be sure to let your husband know, won't you?
Scene ix
inner offices: Sticky Feather and Sarabjit encounter one another by the water cooler.
Sarabjit
Sticky Feather, you are looking very sexually attractive today if I might be saying so.
Sticky Feather
Shut up and die before I kill you.
Sarabjit
Your voice is like golden music to my ears.
Sticky Feather
I hate you.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
[walking by] Good morning, civilians.
Sticky Feather watches Lieutenant Twelve-Douze go by with wide, amorous eyes. Sarabjit takes note.
Sarabjit
He is quite an interesting fellow, that Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Sticky Feather
[DREAMILY] Yeah. The senseless aggression...the anger...the brutality...he's...he's...
Sarabjit
Dangerous?
Sticky Feather
...A hunka-hunka burnin' love.
Scene x
inner offices: Cratley and Candice enter together, coming from the minister's anteroom.
Candice
Why not give up now, LeBlanc? I am quite sure my staff and I are far more capable in terms of success-oriented strategies than you are.
Cratley
Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Candice. I'm on top of the situation.
Candice
Sticky Feather! I need this year's survey maps from Environment Canada, and I want you to put a call in to Doug at marine services. Got that? [CONTINUES GIVING ORDERS AS SHE AND STICKY FEATHER EXIT TO CANDICE'S OFFICE.]
Cratley
Sarabjit! [PAUSE.] Let's go the bar.
Dr Brian Pennington suddenly bursts into the inner offices.
Brian
Mr LeBlanc! Mr LeBlanc! Please, you must see me now! I only have a few hours left to have my licence approved. Please, Mr LeBlanc! I'll do anything--anything!
Brian gets close to Sticky Feather, and Sarabjit attempts to leap to her rescue. he crashes to the floor painfully. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze efficiently deals with Brian, and drags him back to the queue.
Sarabjit
At least one of my bones is surely broken.
Cratley
[SHAKING HIS HEAD]: What a guy'll do for Five Dollars, eh?
ACT II
Scene I
hospital emergency room: Sarabjit and Kostas await the doctor's diagnosis. SEVERAL OTHER PATIENTS WAIT IN AJOINING SECTIONS. AS A NURSE PASSES BY, THEY CALL OUT TO HER, ONE BY ONE:
patient #1
Excuse me nurse, is my kidney ready?
patient #2
Nurse: my arm's come off.
patient #3
Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just lonely.
Kostas
How are you feeling, Sarabjit?
Sarabjit
Aside from my shattered body, I can't complain.
Kostas
You're a trooper.
Sarabjit
Where is that doctor with my medical-type results already? I am a paying customer for crying out loud.
enter the doctor in a flurry of activity, slapping x-ray transparencies upon the lightbox as he is fanned by two female nurses bearing palm fronds.
Kostas
Ooh -- he's cute!
a hunky male orderly passes by.
orderly
--And he's taken.
Kostas
Poo.
Doctor
I--am--the Doctor. Which one of you is Sarabjit Pakarash?
Sarabjit
That is being me.
Doctor
Well Mr Pakarash, I have good news, and I have bad news.
Sarabjit
I see. Tell me, Doctor: why am I not having any skeleton in these particular views?
Sarabjit sees that the x-ray transparencies show him to be composed of pieces of overlapping material labelled ÔSarabjit: arm left' and so on. for all intents and purposes, it appears that Sarabjit is some kind of elaborate marionette.
Doctor
I can't explain that to you right now, Mr Pakarash. You're just going to have to trust me. Do you trust me, Mr Pakarash?
Sarabjit
Implicitly, sir.
Doctor
Very well. Mr Pakarash, the good news is, there's absolutely nothing medically wrong with you.
Sarabjit
I am feeling better already.
Doctor
The bad news is that, according to this hospital's new policy, I am now obliged to read to you the names of all of the patients who have died in the waiting room while you've squandered my valuable Time.
Sarabjit
The cake is surely stolen now!
Doctor
Ahem. Hawkins, Michael J., Raspekovic, Zoran D., Watkins, Jennifer --
Sarabjit
Excuse me sir, but what about all of the people who are dying while you squander your valuable Time reading out this list?
Doctor
Alright, Mr Pakarash. That's five more names. Where was I? Fakir, Muhammad A., Donovan, Taylor F., Horowitz, Moshe, Hunter, Asif --
Kostas
Well. This is a drag.
Sarabjit
You are telling me.
Kostas
How do you think Cratley's getting on?
Sarabjit
I am fully confident that he is right now very much on top of the situation.
Scene II
an exotic dance bar: several scantily clad women, along with a green star-trek girl, perform table-top dances as the mc narrates (a la elias koteas in 'exotica').
mc
What is it about a green Star Trek girl? Is it the way she moves? Is it the way the universal translator gives her that adorable accent? ...
pan to a small table where Cratley sits with mario, a contractor.
mario
So let me understand this: you want me to bury thirty-six metric tonnes of toxic waste under my new condo development?
Cratley
Please.
mario
LeBlanc, I can't do you this favour.
Cratley
Mario, who made sure you got all those lucretive waterfront development contracts?
mario
That was you, LeBlanc.
Cratley
Right. And who disappeared those pesky environmentalists for you when you needed to clearcut that provincial park?
mario
Hey, don't get me wrong, LeBlanc. I appreciate everything you've done for me over the years. But--toxic waste...I mean, that's not good, right? For the health?
Cratley
Well, you have me there. It's true that it's not altogether beneficial.
mario
LeBlanc, you know my story. I'm a crooked contractor. But I'm not that crooked. I'm like, forty-five degrees--max. You're looking for someone in the obtuse range. I mean, really crooked. Have you talked to my brother Lou?
Cratley
Lou's in jail, Mario.
mario
Oh yeah. I hope he's not holding a grudge about thatÉheh. Well, thanks for the drink, LeBlanc. Good luck.
Cratley
Say hello to the wife and kids for me.
mario
Will do.
exit mario. Cratley sighs as he inserts money into a girl's cleavage.
Cratley
Tabernac. I've exhausted every conceivable option. The fate of the ministry is in my hands, and I have to act quickly. [PAUSE.] Waiter, I'll have another rye and ginger--and don't skimp on the rye, I like it perky.
Scene iii
elementary school classroom: Candice is presenting to the children.
Candice
All children love to enhance the environment, and to enhance their scholastic success. Our new study kit will help you implement your academic strategy, and enhance your understanding of environmental issues, with one turn-key solution.
the children stare back at Candice, blankly. blink, blink.
Candice
Ahem. You are very focused, I like that. Now, to understand the environment, we must understand its problems. Can anyone tell me a big environmental problem?
Denis
An unwillingness on the part of the government to commit to real action for fear of discouraging industrial investment?
Candice
No. Toxic waste!
Candice presents a small vial of glowing liquid, and passes it out for the children to fondle.
kids
Ooooooh!
Candice
That's right. By enhancing your understanding of toxic waste, and its deleterious affects on biological systems, you can enhance your position with regard to environmental awareness. And let me assure you, it is a hands-on process, founded on team-building strategies with an emphasis on problem solving. Doesn't that sound like fun?
kid#1
Does this stuff make mutations?
Candice
The only person who can answer that question is you. By using the methology of scientific inquiry.
kid#2
Science is against God.
kid#1
[ EATING TOXIC WASTE ] What's God?
Candice
Best of all, through a cooperative effort with the Ministry of Education, we will provide all of the material you need for study, at no cost.
as the children pass around the vial of toxic waste, which they each investigate in their own way, they begin passing out, or moaning and clutching their stomachs. FURROWING HER BROW, CANDICE TURNS TO THE TEACHER.
Candice
I'm not really familiar with young people. Does this mean they're happy?
the teacher shakes her head 'no.'
Candice
I'm going to have to think of something else.
Tim and Denis are two of the children sitting at the back of the room.
Denis
What's wrong, Tim?
Tim
I'm worried about my daddy. He's been lined up at the government building for weeks.
Denis
My daddy works there. Maybe he can help. Let's go see him after school.
as Candice makes her exit, taking her presentation materials with her, the teacher claps for the class' attention.
Teacher
Alright, people. Show's over. Back to learning.
she turns on a television, and then retreats to a corner to read a pulpy romance novel. the television displays opening titles: 'Grade 2: Day 54: Afternoon Session.'
Scene iv
classy restaurant: Barbara waits at a table, speaking on a cellular phone.
Barbara
What about that column from Gorman, is it in yet? I see. I understand. Mmkay--send someone down to break his legs. Buh-bye.
enter Cratley.
Cratley
[ MECHANICALLY ] Barbara. My dear. How nice to. See.
Barbara
[MECHANICALLY] Cratley. Sit down. [COUGH] Honey.
Some Time has passed. Barbara looks at a petite salad while sipping a martini while Cratley eats a cheeseburger.
Cratley
The way I see it, we only need to do this once a month.
Barbara
Do what?
Cratley
Do lunch.
Barbara
I know it's painful. But think about your public image, Cratley. We're a happy family.
Cratley
I gave up the idea of public office a long Time ago, Barbara, you know that. And besides: I have two lovely daughters. Let's get a divorce.
Barbara
We're not married.
Cratley
Well then. Problem solved. Do you want any of my poutine?
Barbara
People would start to wonder.
Cratley
What people, what wonder? You're the one with the alternative lifestyle.
Barbara
This isn't about me, Cratley.
Cratley
No, this is about lunch.
Barbara
I love you so much.
Cratley
What!
Harry Zirpopsovitch enters from behind Cratley, spotting Barbara.
zirpopsovitch
Madam Clayton! How nice to run into you.
Barbara
Harry, hi. How are you?
zirpopsovitch
That depends on you and your newspaper. [SMILING] You're not planning on running anything that liable to get me dyspepsic, are you, Barbara?
Barbara
[FRIENDLY SCOLDING] Harry! That IPO scandal was bound to come out sooner or later. Forgive me?
zirpopsovitch
Always. Now, don't let me interrupt your luncheonÉ
Barbara
Don't worry about it, Harry. Do you know my lifepartnerÉer, husband, Cratley LeBlanc...?
zirpopsovitch
Ah yes, Mr LeBlanc, we met this morning, didn't we? You're some kind of bureaucrat...
Cratley
Yes. At the Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs.
zirpopsovitch
Of course! I trust everything is well in hand? [WINKS CONSPIRATORILY]
Cratley
Everything is well in hand.
zirpopsovitch
I have your personal assurance on this?
Cratley
I can give you the assurance of the ministry -- a solution will be found. And, whatever that solution is, I will be personally responsible for it, at that point. However, until that Time, I would hesitate to offer you my personal assurance on the grounds that I haven't been so authorised by my superiors.
zirpopsovitch
Wow!
Barbara
He is good, isn't he?
Cratley
Bureaucracy isn't a science, but an art. Rest assured, Mr Zirpopsovitch: you and your corporation have nothing to worry about.
zirpopsovitch
Thank you, Mr LeBlanc. Barbara; I'll leave you to your meal.
Exit zirpopsovitch.
Barbara
Doing some dancing for the optics industry?
Cratley
They're big party contributors.
Barbara
Rumour is support is going soft in the corporate sector.
Cratley
That's a dangerous rumour.
Barbara
My boys are planning to run with it. Next week's edition.
Cratley
Tabernac. Barbara, don't do this to me.
Barbara
Hey, a girl's got to run a publishing empire somehow.
Cratley
What if I can give you something else?
Barbara
What have you got, Cratley?
Cratley
I can find something.
Barbara
Next week's edition is really light on government scandal--I need something embarassing, and I need it quickly.
Cratley
How quickly?
Barbara
I'd want my people on it first thing tomorrow.
Cratley
I can find something. Just don't run the story.
Barbara
You have four hours.
Cratley
Fine. Super. You'll get the bill?
Barbara
I'll get the bill. Oh, and I won't be home for supper tonight, I'm going out with Sandy. There's some leftovers in the fridge in case you get hungry, and some rat poison in the cupboard in case you feel like doing me a favour.
Cratley
...Right.
Scene V
the ministry: Cratley strides into the inner offices, only to run into Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
Oh, my friend--I knew you were near, for my spidery sense was a-tingling.
Cratley
Uh-huh. How's Candice doing?
Sarabjit
I believe she is returning to her office in tears.
Cratley
Perfect.
Cratley heads off toward Candice's office.
Sarabjit
[PETULANT SARCASM] Oh yes, in response to your question I am feeling much better now, thank you for asking. [ANGRILY] Would you like to sign the cast I do not have?
INSIDE CANDICE'S OFFICE, CANDICE CAN BE SEEN STANDING BEFORE A WALL OF INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS, TRYING NOT TO CRY.
Candice
Defeat begins with doubt. I have no doubt--I am success. I have no doubt--I am success. I empower myself with my own enhanced success strategy...
Cratley turns to Kostas and Sticky Feather, who are also looking in on Candice.
Cratley
[SMILING] I always hate to see a colleague suffer a set-back.
Kostas
Have a heart, Cratley. She thought that study kit idea was really going to work.
Cratley
Hey, Candice! You dropped your success on the floor.
Candice looks in confusion upon the floor, and then looks up, face-flushed.
Candice
Cratley LeBlanc, you vile slug, haven't you anything better to do than to belittle my success-oriented strategies?
Cratley
To belittle you, Candice, I make the time.
Candice
Don't you understand what's at stake here? The entire ministry is counting on our hard-working, goal-focused strategies. I think it's Time for some teambuilding exercises.
Sticky Feather
No, please. No more teambuilding. Have mercy.
Cratley
Sticky Feather, you should have thought ahead. Presto!
Cratley presents a life-size scarecrow that represents himself.
Cratley
This is Cratley Prime. He'll happily participate in your morale-building mumbo-jumbo.
Cratley props up the dummy against Kostas, and waddles off, tittering.
Kostas
[ TO DUMMY: ] Hi there...
Candice catches up with Cratley as he approaches his office.
Candice
Cratley! Cratley LeBlanc! I have had enough of your morale-bashing bad attitude! I do so much to bring this office together, and you delight in picking it apart!
Cratley
Bad attitude? What bad attitude?
Candice
Look! Do you know what this is?
Candice presents Cratley with a photograph of the valentine's day staff party. everyone is present except Cratley.
Cratley
It looks like a photograph I'm happy not to be in.
Candice
This was our staff Valentine's Day party--everybody was there....except you. Kostas ran himself ragged decorating this place, and you couldn't even be bothered to show up. What was so important, Cratley, that it was worth letting down the team?
Cratley remembers...his limousine pulls up against an inner city kerb, where a gagle of prostitutes lounge. Cratley's window slides down.
Cratley
Hi ladies. I've got an expensive account that's woefully underused. Who'd like to help me give it a workout?
the prostitutes giggle, and Cratley smiles. this smile dissolves to Cratley at the ministry, smiling at his recollection.
Candice
Cratley? Cratley? CRAT-LEY!
Cratley
Yes. What? Who? [NOTES HIS SURROUNDINGS.] Ah, tabernac. I'm still here.
Candice
You are a neverending source of negative energy, Cratley LeBlanc!
Candice throws the photograph at Cratley, and stomps away. Cratley sighs.
Cratley
I wonder what's got her goat.
Sarabjit
Well, who can be blaming her? You are indeed so self-centred to have entirely neglected to ask after my recent near-death experience. It was scarier than the Time when I was defending Granada against the blood-thirsty Moors. Oh, the limbs were flying that day, I can tell you...
Cratley
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Shut up, Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
Shut up, Sarabjit? I am having no skeleton, which gives me cause for great medical concern, and you are not even caring half an iota. What kind of a friend are you?
Cratley
The low maintenance kind?
Suddenly, Dr Brian Pennington drops through the ceiling in a cloud of plaster and broken fluorescent lights.
Brian
Mr LeBlanc! Please, I must speak to you! My unemployment benefits are over--if I can't get my licence approved, how will my family eat? Please!
Cratley
Tabernac. [HE RUBS HIS TEMPLES.] No one can accuse me of being heartless: Sarabjit: escort this man to the Priority Line-up.
Cratley goes into his office. Brian seems temporarily mollified.
Brian
[ TO SARABJIT: ] The Priority Line-up? That means he'll see me this afternoon, doesn't it?
Sarabjit
It is conceivable.
Brian
I love this country. I never lost faith.
Sarabjit
Good for you, sir.
Brian is handed ticket #58, and inserted in queue with a small bunch of environmentalists.
Brian
Is this the Priority Line-up?
Enviro#1
If it's your priority to, like, stand here waiting for two weeks, being ignored by the system.
Enviro#2
[ SADLY, NODDING ] Dude.
Brian
But I simply must have my forms processed today--it's my last chance!
Enviro#2
[ CONSOLINGLY ] ...Dude.
Just then, Candice bursts out of her office.
Candice
I've got it!
Scene VI
Cratley's office: Crat is speaking on the telephone with Barbara.
Barbara
I have a deadline, Cratley. I need that scandal, or I'll have to run with the piece on corporate support going soft.
Cratley
Give me two hours, Barbara. That's all I'm asking. Hold the presses for two hours.
Cratley hangs up, and carefully considers the valentine's party photograph Candice threw at him. the telephone rings again.
Cratley
This may or may not be LeBlanc.
Maman
Cratley, my boy!
Cratley
Maman! How are you? How are things out in Saskatchewan?
Maman is speaking on a cellular phone before a snowy field.
Maman
Well, the weather has not been too good lately, but you know, nothing can stop that genetic hengineer wheat from grow-ing.
As she says this, great shoots of vegetation erupt from beneath the snow, violently sprouting branches. one of the branches unfolds to reveal the head of a cow.
Cow
Moo.
Cratley
Maman, I'd love to talk, but I'm in the middle of a critical situation here.
Maman
I'll let you go, Cratley. But I am sending you a care package, and I wanted to know what size of underwear I should send.
Cratley
[ CONFIDENTIALLY, QUIETLY ] Ah, that would be a men's wide-ass.
Before Maman can respond, Sarabjit bursts into Cratley's office.
Sarabjit
My friend, come quickly--Candice has found a solution!
Cratley
Ta-ber-nac!
Scene VII
Inner offices: Cratley bustles in and corners Kostas.
Cratley
Kostas, I want all telephone lines to Candice cut. Now.
Kostas
Oh honey, you can't ask me to do that. I mean, I love Candice.
Sticky Feather
[ PASSING BY ] I hate everybody.
Cratley
Listen, I don't have Time for this. Please, Kostas--I need you to do me this favour.
Kostas
You're making sexy-eyes at me. That isn't fair.
Cratley
Please.
Kostas
Bastard. I'll do it, you tease.
Cratley turns on Sticky Feather.
Cratley
Sticky Feather! Come here, girl.
Sticky Feather
If you talk to me too much I might throw up on you. I'm just warning you.
Cratley
You know what car you've been asking about?
Sticky Feather
Maybe.
Cratley
If you tell me Candice's solution to the waste disposal problem, you chances of getting that car double.
Sticky Feather
You are the lowest form of life on the Earth.
Cratley
I'll pay for your insurance.
Sticky Feather
Candice is meeting a sister from St. Ignatz the Itchy at three thirty. Where's my car?
Cratley
I'll buy it for you when you're eighteen.
Sticky Feather
I am eighteen.
Cratley
I think I hear the telephone ringing.
Sticky Feather
I hate you.
Cratley descends upon Lieutenant Twelve-Douze.
Cratley
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir yes sir!
Cratley
There should be a nun coming through the lobby any minute now. I want you to hijack her, and send her to me.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir yes sir!
Cratley
And Lieutenant...
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir?
Cratley
They'll be no need to draw blood.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Aw, sir...
Cratley
No back-talk, Lieutenant. Now: scamper!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sir yes sir!
Sarabjit
What are you cooking up in that pasty melon of a head of yours? Hijacking nuns, cutting telephone lines ?
Cratley
I'm going to pretend to be Candice.
Sarabjit
--It is as if you have lost all touch with the concept of ethnical conduct.
Cratley
With who in the what now?
as Cratley passes by the priority line, hands reach out to grab him as they moan.
Cratley
Back, back ye vipers! I'll see each of you in turn.
Brian
Mr LeBlanc--I was to be a rocket scientist for crying out loud! I just want to become a taxicab driver to feed my family!
Cratley
Shortly, Dr Pennington. Shortly. I gromise.
Brian
You gromise?
Cratley
Yeah. It's like a promise, only different.
Cratley enters his office, leaving Brian to stammer and mutter. his eyes bug-out dangerously, and it becomes clear that his hold on sanity is waning.
ACT III
Scene I
Cratley's office: Cratley sits across from an apparent catholic nun, who speaks in an unconvincing falsetto.
Cratley
Thank you for coming in, sister.
Nun
You're Miss Hwang?
Cratley
That's right.
Nun
Funny, you don't look Chinese...
Cratley
Korean.
Nun
Ah.
Cratley
Now, my people tell me that you might be able to assist the ministry in disposing of some -- materiel.
Nun
Oh yes indeed, Miss Hwang. Our cloister would very much like to get our hands on your toxic waste.
Cratley
Really? That's super.
Nun
Yes, for purposes totally unrelated to world domination.
Cratley
Er, of course, sister.
Nun
It helps our petunias grow. You do believe me, don't you, Miss Hwang?
Cratley
Less with each passing second.
Nun
It's the latest gardening craze. All the sisters are talking about it.
Cratley
Are they indeed?
Nun
Oh yes. They'll always talking about how nice it would be to have thirty-six metric tonnes of toxic waste for our vegetable gardens...and not for holding the world hostage by threatening to poison the water supplies of the G7 nations.
Cratley
Sister?
Nun
Yes, Miss Hwang?
Cratley
I'm beginning to suspect that you're not a nun at all.
Nun
Well! I'm beginning to suspect that you're not even Chinese.
Cratley
Korean.
Nun
Whatever.
Cratley
Stop me if I'm talking crazy-talk here, but are, in fact, a nun? Or are you a maniacal supervillain, hellbend on controlling the world through fear?
Nun
A little of both?
Cratley
I don't think so.
Nun
Damn you inscrutable Chinese! [THE NUN TEARS OFF HER HABIT, TO REVEAL A MAN WHO IS CLEARLY A MANIACAL SUPERVILLAIN.]
Cratley
Yeah, well. We're trained professionals here at the Ministry, sister.
Nun
Do we have a deal anyway?
Cratley
Sure. When can you collect the waste?
Nun
How's Friday?
Cratley
Friday's no good. I need this stuff moved by tonight.
Nun
You must understand, Mr LeBlanc--I'm having labour difficulties of every kind. Two of my best nogoodnik subcontractors have fallen through, and the terrorist union won't budge an inch on the new benefits package. Dental! The terrorists always want dental!
Cratley
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Get out of my office.
Scene II
the ministry: Tim and little Denis enter the ministry escorted by Lieutenant Twelve-Douze. they approach the priority line, where brina is lying on the floor, unmoving.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Sorry, kid. I had to use a mild sedative. Your pop was getting a little rambunctious.
Tim
Daddy?
Brian has a large, wildlife-style dart stuck in his thigh.
Enviro#1
Fascist!
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Cry me a river.
Enviro#2
[ ANGRILY ] Dude!
as Lieutenant Twelve-Douze waves the kids on to Cratley's office, they encounter the evil supervillain on his way out. he brightens as he spots the children.
Nun
Hey, how you kids like some candy?
Tim
My daddy says I shouldn't take candy from strangers.
Denis
Mmm, lollipops! Can I have one?
Cratley
Hey! You! Supervillain! Get away from my son!
Denis
Hi Daddy!
Cratley
[ TO NUN: ] Get thee to a nunnery! [TO Denis:] What are you doing here, son? Shouldn't you be at school?
Denis
School's over. Me and my friend need to talk to you, Daddy.
Cratley
Alright. Come on it.
once inside Cratley's office, Denis sits on the edge of his desk and explains Tim's situation.
Denis
...So you see, Daddy, if Timmy's dad doesn't get a new job, his family will have to move to a neighbourhood without such a nice grocery store.
quick cut: Tim's mom gets out of her car in a parking lot. she looks up at a giant, beautiful grocery-store called: 'The President's Choice.' she counts her money, sighs, and sadly heads for a smaller, shabbier store called 'The President's Reluctant Suggestion.' cut back to Cratley's office.
Cratley
[ TO SELF ] I can't break my son's heart. [ TO KIDS: ] Okay, Tim. I gromise I'll make sure I see your father before the end of the day...
Tim + Denis
Yay!
Cratley
IF you kids help me out with a little project on the computer.
Denis
Sure, Dad. What it is?
Cratley
First of all, I need you to scan in this photograph, and remove everything except Candice's head. Can you do that for me?
Denis
That's easy, Dad.
Cratley
Perfect.
Cratley drums his fingers on a file folder marked 'royal inquiry into internet pornography.'
Scene III
inner offices: Kostas, Sticky Feather and the nameless staff freak out.
Kostas
It's the Minister Himself! He's coming!
Sticky Feather
I hate the Minister.
Lieutenant Twelve-Douze
Stay calm, people! Stay calm.
the nameless staff quickly hide their games of solitaire, and attempt to look busy. enter the Minister Himself.
Minister Himself
LeBlanc! Hwang! Where are you?
Cratley and Candice appear quickly.
Candice
Sir, an unexpected pleasure.
Cratley
Minister.
Minister Himself
Ya'all want to update me on your progress?
Candice
We nearly have the problem solutionated, sir. We have implemented a goal-oriented teamwork strategy, to enhance our chances for success.
Minister Himself
I'm sorry, I don't speak Korean. And dagnabit, where in tarnation is Hwang?
Candice
I'm right here, sir.
Minister Himself
Well missy, you'd better tell your husband he's only got one hour left to solutionise this problem, or whatever it is you people say.
Candice
But sir, my telephone lines have been severed.
Minister Himself
Well then, send him an e-mail. LeBlanc: how are you making out?
Cratley
Everything is well in hand, Minister.
Minister Himself
Capital. Keep it up, kid, and one day you'll be someone important in this ministry, like the director of miscellaneous issues development.
Cratley
Minister, I am the director of miscellaneous issues development.
Minister Himself
See that, missy? That's the way a man tackles a problem--positive thinking. You be sure to pass that tip along to your husband. Remember: I need a solution within the hour.
Scene IV
Cratley's office: Denis and Tim are working at the computer. enter Sarabjit.
Sarabjit
Far be it for me, a man who is having no skeleton, to intrude: but there are some environmentalists to see you, my friend.
Cratley
Sarabjit, this isn't the Time to discuss your half-baked theories of existence. Send the environmentalists in, and ready the dungeon.
The environmentalists sit across from Cratley's desk, while Cratley stands at the window with his hands clasped behind his back.
Enviro#1
Mr LeBlanc, we like represent the town of Tranquil Falls, British Columbia; and we've come to talk to you about the old abandoned mine, dude.
Enviro#2
[ AGREEMENT ] Dude.
Enviro#1
To help like regenerate the natural ecological balance of the area, we need to fill in the abandoned mine--you know--so it like provides a stable foundation for the root system.
Enviro#2
Dude.
Cratley
I'm glad you've come to me, boys. I'm sure my reputation for caring deeply about the environment precedes me.
Cratley reaches for a small red button on the underside of his desk, marked 'Oubliette.'
Enviro#1
Our coalition has organised a volunteer work-force--all we need is the support of your ministry to subsidise the filler material we'll need to like close off the mine. Can you help us, Mr LeBlanc?
Enviro#2
Dude?
Cratley
[ TO Denis ] Excuse me, son--I just need to reach this little button.
Denis
Okay Daddy.
Sarabjit
Wait a moment, my friend!
Cratley
Huh?
Sarabjit
If I am understanding correctly, all that these gentleman need is a supply of filler material.
Cratley
Yeah, I heard them. Pardon me, hippie: would you mind standing a little bit to your left?
Enviro#1
No problem, dude.
Sarabjit
Fill-er ma-ter-ial.
Cratley hesitates.
Cratley
Filler material?
Enviro#2
[ NODDING ] Dude.
Cratley smiles.
Cratley
Ah-ha. Boys, I think I can help you out. Tranquil Falls, BC, did you say?
Enviro#1
That it, Mr LeBlanc. We like totally appreciate this.
Enviro#2
Dude, dude!
Cratley
Perfect.
Cratley removes his finger from the 'Oubliette' trigger.
Scene V
Cratley and the Minister Himself walk down the corridor together.
Minister Himself
That's really capital thinking, LeBlanc. And you say these people will actually see the disposal through for us?
Cratley
That's right, Minister. And at no charge.
Minister Himself
Back where I come from we'd a-called that a job well done.
Cratley
Thank you sir.
Minister Himself
Now where in tarnation is my office?
Cratley
That way, sir.
exit the minister, enter Sarabjit as Cratley peeks in Candice's office to see her sadly sitting in front of her motivational posters.
Candice
I feel the success...I feel...[CANDICE CRIES.]
Cratley
Man, that's a satisfying sound.
Sarabjit
I am standing here beside myself, my friend. You are not only taking delight in the misery of others, abusing your friends and making promises that you cannot keep, but you are patting yourself on the back for destroying a small town in British Columbia.
Cratley
I amaze even myself, someTimes.
Sarabjit
You are a very bad man.
Cratley
Yes. Yes I am, Sarabjit. [Cratley LAUGHS.]
TOGETHER, THEY ENTER Cratley'S OFFICE. THE KIDS ARE FINISHING UP THEIR WORK AT THE COMPUTER.
Cratley
Tim, why don't you go get your father now, and we'll get his licencing applications taken care of.
Tim
Really, Mr LeBlanc?
Cratley
Sure, Timmy. Go get him.
Tim scurries off. Cratley admires the computer screen.
Cratley
That's some good work, son.
Denis
I'm a girl, Dad.
Cratley
....Right.
Enter Tim. Lieutenant Twelve-Douze carries in the semi-conscious Brian.
Brian
Mr LeBlanc: thank you for seeing me -- I knew the government wouldn't let me down....
Cratley
Of course not, Dr Pennington. Now, I understand you have some forms that need my bureaucratic stamp of approval.
Brian
Yes. They're -- right here...
As Brian reaches into his pocket, the clock strikes 4:45.
Cratley
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Dr Pennington, I really am. But the Ministry of Miscellaneous Affairs is now closed for the day.
Brian
Buh ?
Cratley
I'll be happy to help you out in any way I can, first thing tomorrow morning.
Brian
Buh ?
Cratley
Thank you for your patience.
Brian
B-B-B-Buh ?
Exit Cratley, Sarabjit, Denis. Tim kneels by his father's side, and Brian begins foaming at the mouth.
Tim
Daddy?
Brian
B-b-b-b -- first thing tomorrow...hee-hee...haa-haa...ho-ho -- first thing tomorrow....b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...
Tim
Are you okay, Daddy? Daddy?
Brian collapses.
Scene vi
Cratley's limousine: Cratley, Sticky Feather, Sarabjit and Denis ride in the spacious rear.
Sarabjit
So I suppose everything has worked out as it should. And you will be glad to know, my friend, that I forgive you for so heartlessly ignoring me throughout the course of the day.
Cratley
[ IGNORING SARABJIT ] Will you look at this? This is genius. My son is a genius.
Cratley is admiring a photograph. the carphone rings. SARABJIT ANSWERS.
Sarabjit
Hello? This is the limousine of Director LeBlanc. Just one moment, please. [ TO Cratley: ] Here you are, my friend--it is Madam Clayton.
Cratley TAKES THE TELEPHONE.
Barbara
Time's up.
Cratley
I have your scandal.
Cratley is holding a photograph which combines Candice's head from the valentine's photo with images from the royal inquiry into internet pornography. everyone has a hearty chuckle, even Sticky Feather.
Sarabjit
I cannot help but feel a little sorry for Candice. She will be most embarrassed when the poop hits the ventilation system.
Sticky Feather
[ SHRUGS ] I hate Candice.
Sarabjit
On the other hand, who am I to judge?
The limousine drives off into the distance.
Scene VII
Rural British Columbia: Brian and his family pull up in front of a small, pretty house in their car. everyone gets out to admire it.
Brian
Do you see that, Tim? That's our new home. We're starting a new life, in a new province, far from the big city.
Tim
Are things going to be different now, Daddy?
Brian
Our troubles with the government are behind us forever, Tim.
as he says this, a convoy of vehicles carrying the toxic waste drive by, heading for "Old Mine Road: 1 km."
fin